5 Reasons Why You're Not Happy After the Military May 24 2017 28 Comments
If you were like most service members leaving the military, you were as happy and giddy as a 7-year-old kid waiting for Christmas morning. You walked taller, you smiled more, and you probably even bragged a bit to everyone in your unit that it was time for you to ETS and that you were going to receive the greatest gift of all – your DD214 (or was that just me?!?). After all, you had big dreams like going back to school, getting a real cool (and high-paying) civilian job, and of course, spending more time with your family. And maybe you were fortunate enough to do all of that, but ever since you got out, you might feel like you miss the military and you WISH you were as happy as you were while you were in the service. Your memory of that time (even if it was tough as hell) is that you felt better, you looked better, and some of you may have even done better financially and emotionally. And perhaps all of that is true, but you’re out now, and unless you have plans to re-enlist, it’s time to make the most of your present moment. It's time to recognize what has changed since you got out and to figure out how to get that “good feeling” back.
1. You Used to Exercise Regularly
When we were in the service, most of us got a daily dose of exercise as a kick-start to our day. Although it may seem like a relief to be over with this daily ritual, exercise actually contributes to our overall mental states, not to mention our waistlines! Studies at the Mayo Clinic show that regular exercise makes us naturally feel good because it releases happy, feel-good chemicals while also killing off bad chemicals that increase depression.
Now some of you may be thinking – well I have bad knees, my back hurts, my shoulder is always sore, I CAN’T exercise anymore. I can totally relate! My back and neck are so bad some days it feels like I was hit by a Mack truck! However, when I go through long stints without finding some sort of exercise that works for me (especially exercises that strengthen the muscles around my problem areas), the pain actually increases instead of decreases (read last blog post). Regular exercise--doing what YOUR body (not your neighbor’s body) is physically capable of doing-- will make a difference in how you feel both inside and out! Find alternative workouts like yoga at a local gym or even a physical trainer who understands your condition and who can help you get back into a better physical shape--the investment can make a world of difference! And one last note, if you have trouble getting a trainer or affording one, speak to your VA healthcare provider about getting a physical therapist to help you. They will be able to teach you exercises that will reduce your pain and increase your overall mobility.
2. You Had a Sense of Purpose
Most of us, if not everyone reading this blog post joined the military as a volunteer-- this gave us a sense of purpose and duty. However, leaving the service might make us feel like we've been set adrift-- like we're sailing without a compass to point us in the right direction.
Did you know that volunteering has been proven to have multiple benefits? Not only are you helping other people and organizations, but you are also helping yourself at the same time. U.S News & World Report found that volunteering can increase your self-esteem, give you a sense of stability and belonging, and even increase your life expectancy! It’s important to find what your purpose is if you don’t know already and volunteering can be a great place to start while you search for your higher calling.
3. You Were Always Learning New Skills
It seems that when we were in the military, we were always training! Right? We were constantly on the go, being taught new skills, and learning and adapting ourselves to many physical and mental obstacles. These exercises not only helped prep us for combat, they also kept our brains sharp and happy too.
Just because we left the military does not mean that we have to discontinue our missions of personal growth! This education can be formal, like going back to school or vocational training, or it could be for fun, like learning a new skill you’ve always wanted to try, or even just picking up a book at your local library and dedicating some time to learning something that you’ve always wanted to know more about. Studies have reported that adult education and learning new things that we truly care about keep our minds sharp and also provide us with a sense of purpose.
4. You Had a Regular Routine
You had a routine. You could probably still list the exact schedule you had for physical fitness, chow, work, etc. What about your life now? Do you keep a routine? Although life with a routine sounds like a snooze, it actually provides structure and helps keep us organized (which means less stress) and makes time for exercise (which makes you happier). Additionally, a routine helps create time for your goals and your personal desires. If you haven’t thought about a schedule, commit to trying one for the next 30 days. Schedule time like exercise and reading, but don’t overdo it if it’s new territory for you. The goal is to make your life less stressful not more so. Source
5. You Had Different Expectations
A lot of times we get hung up on our expectations which leads us to feel disappointed with our current reality. Many of us thought we could land a sweet dream job or just return to civilian life and everything would be like it was before. But the truth is, for most people getting out, their reality isn’t exactly what they had anticipated. This can be both positive and negative. When our reality exceeds our expectations, we are ecstatic about life. However, when it falls below our expectations, we feel sad, angry, and upset about how our life is going. Those who can readjust fine and adapt their reality or their expectation (or a combination of the two) usually recover quicker and are much happier in the long run. What are some expectations that you might be hanging on to? Could they be holding you down from leading a happier life? Take some time to think about it and see where you can make some changes!
I hope these insights will prove beneficial to you-- I must remind myself and practice them daily as well! Just remember the past has given you the experiences and lessons you needed to make the most out of today. I wish you all the best!
-Nadine Noky, Army Veteran & Founder of Lady Brigade
Comments
Blademaster Mike on April 27 2021 at 01:16PM
What I really don’t like about the civilian world is how it’s all about money money money. That seems to be the dominant language people speak. And it has done more harm than good in our society.
Jeremy meyers on March 09 2021 at 12:11PM
I do not think its possible to love me. I will never expect anyone to love me, after everything I done. I tried several times to end. I wish somebody would show me otherwise, but I am a waste of mass now that there is no war!
Hsif on March 09 2021 at 12:11PM
Accurate. I separated right before covid -19. I had all my ducks in order, but covid post poned it all. I’m sad. When I left a huge chunk of me also left. I was on schedule to get my next job going but everything closed for two months. Instead of finding employment in March I just survived off my savings until now, and I finally got a job I don’t start until January but I am a certified real estate broker now. I’m restless, coulda been a contractor with the military and do my job as a civilian but I’d be putting myself right back into the traditional employee hierarchy, I’m self employed now! No one can make me wake up 4am for preflights!
David Harris on January 13 2020 at 11:10AM
I truly agree with all the comments! I retired after 20 years of service and afterwards I felt like I didn’t leave everything on the table. it’s almost like once I really started to understand what the Military was trying to teach me I was retiring! So as I am tying this I am typing this I am thinking I have been lonely even though, I have my family around that truly love me!
Still it doesn’t change my loneliness it seems to make it worse! I still feel like I change the world! I could go on and on!! No one can understand not even my wife!!
cathy on November 02 2018 at 11:18AM
thank you. this article sums up exactly how i’m feeling right now. i was wondering if this was a normal feeling, since I expected things to just go back to pre-military life style (as you pointed out above). thank you for the reassurance and tips!
Elizabeth W on May 26 2017 at 05:24AM
Yes, thank you for validating in 5 steps why I miss the military. I have struggled through adjusting for a long, long time, and actually still do. “Thinking and functioning different” pretty much sums it up.
Heather NeSmith on October 15 2016 at 10:24PM
This hits the nail on the head! I am a behavioral health provider and these are all the fears my Soldiers experienced or were scared to experience. In the “civilian” world they are 1% of the population. They think different, function different, and a lot of these differences aren’t conducive for the civilian sector. We need more programs and articles such as this one to help with reintegration. Let’s stop our Soldiers from feeling lost and damn sure decrease the suicide statistics!!!
Peyton Moore on October 09 2016 at 08:26AM
This article literally confirms all the reasons I’m scared to ETS.
Pete Tannen on September 05 2016 at 02:22PM
Hi Nadine…from Pete Tannen (friend of Gene’s and Mike’s, member of FL VETS, and Pres. of ACLU here:
Your article is spot on — and you should really get hold of a great new book that goes even further (if you haven’t already read it): “TRIBE” by Sebastian Junger. In fact, every vet should read it. Seriously.
Cordially,
Pete Tannen
carrie sullivan on May 17 2016 at 06:55PM
Excellent and so true. I teach JROTC so I still have some sense of purpose, but I miss the Marine Corps every day.
Terry Dinklage on May 17 2016 at 06:38PM
what a great article!even though i have never served, i am married to a man that retired out, and have several friends that have and do currently serve…. this article helps me to understand a little more what he is going through, of course if you ask him, he is fine…lol. you have made some great points and offered some even better solutions. most articles only tell you what is wrong. thank you for also supplying a direction to go. look forward to reading your next “blog”!!!! keep up the good work that you are doing for all Vets!
Kellie James on May 14 2016 at 11:52PM
Wow you were so spot on about everything
I have been out since 2004
I miss it every single day wish I never left
I am working on some of the key points
Thinking a counselor will help
Thank you truly for this post
David Hannum on May 13 2016 at 08:42AM
Let me put a retired (male) military member’s perspective on this. Simply put, I think that all of this is what we all have felt leaving the military. I spent nearly 25-years in the service. One of the biggest losses I noted for myself and tallking to other veterans (both male or female) is that we seem to have lost a sense of purpose and a mission. In the corporate world, people do not have people’s backs in the civilian world (except in some professions). I now teach college courses and many times, they are HR or managment related. I tell both traditional and non-traditional students that their number one job is not manage numbers or make money, but to manage their number one asset, human capital. The rest will fall into place. I get looked at as if I were from another planet. We are a unique breed of cat so to speak, whether one saw combat or sat in the rear with the gear. We are a band of brothers and sisters. This is the bond we have that the civilian world does not nor do they understand. (And I sometimes think they are hostile to this fact.) Now, the population is even more disconnected from the military and this adds even more discomfort. In the end, we all “stood a post” and no one can ever take that away from us. However, society is never going to acklowledge or truly accept us as one of “them” unless we totally throw away many of the core “things” that defines us. We won’t as those core “things” (good and bad) are “hardwired into our DNA” now. Perhaps, Jack Nicholson said it best in the movie, A Few Good Men, “I would prefer that you thank me and be on your way.” Maybe that is part of our issue, we continue to look for validation that what we did (or do) was not for waste. It wasn’t!! Ladies, you are every bit part of the team and don’t ever forget it.
NJ on May 13 2016 at 06:53AM
I transitioned out at 10 years of military service totally unprepared but, received a reprieve and returned. The next 14 years I vowed to prepare myself. I finished my education, got my personal life on track, it had become a hot mess, and worked to stabilize my finances. At the same time of my retirement notice, my spouse, also active duty, received orders overseas. After discussing the way ahead, we realized, I wouldn’t have to work. Boy did that relieve the stress of retiring and having to find a job…that had become my biggest stresser of having to retire. So we made the move overseas and I got to spend time with my children and explore the life of a military wife. Fast forward two years I realized I could have a job bringing in real money to save and have the opportunity to use my well earned education and skills from the military. Eager to work, I found a job on base helping service members and their families with transition services. I felt like an expert and loved my job giving back to future veterans like myself. Here’s where I had difficulty…dealing with a civilian organization, embedded with the military mind you, who ran the organization poorly. I had not prepared, or maybe my expectations seemed high but, I’ve watched over 20 people quit the organization over the last 2 1/2 years because of bad supervision and management. The leaders in the organization do nothing but mandate training for supervisors. I sit back watching, unable to make changes and I find it utterly frustrating to watch. Granted, for me, this job became my first real professional job, ever. I have nothing to compare it too other than the time I spent in the military. I learned leadership and management techniques in the military, heck, I taught professional military education classes, supervised, and managed programs. My recommendation to veterans entering the civilian world do your research. Learn how civilian organizations operate and the culture they promote. Talk to other employees and ask how they would characterize the operation and culture of the company. If it doesn’t correlate to your values or expectations, then walk away or know if you take the job, you can’t guarantee your happiness. After 2 1/2 years I finally decided money isn’t everything and my happiness and health has become more important. I’ve decided to quit my job the end of next month and the decision did not come easily. I have struggled with my loyalty to my clients, my financial goals I set with my spouse, and the fact that I have never “quit” anything. After reading your recommendations, I feel more positive about my decision. I won’t let money rule me, I can now take time to exercise to get back to a much better healthy status, I can spend the summer with my children, I can plan my days with what I want/need to do, and I can have time for my hobbies. Everything will work out fine!! Thank you!!
Linda Hale-Merlin on May 12 2016 at 09:03PM
It was total culture shock for awhile for me. I miss my military family. The civvie world can’t compare. I do various volunteer efforts and it does make a positive impact on many others which does give a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Being a aviation mech is no cake walk in either world honestly back in the early 80’s. I sure loved working on those birds!! Lol Stay strong Ladies I salute you!
Rachael Clark on May 12 2016 at 04:09PM
I can think of a number of reasons that I am not as happy out of the military but the main one seems to be that I am no longer treated as one of the guys. I am thought of by the civilian population as weak and incapable of performing basic household tasks. These tasks are considered to be male and above my ability to perform, or learn to perform. In the military I was taught that I was equal, capable of the same things that a man can do. When buying a toilet from Lowe’s I was told that I needed assistance to load it into my vehicle, though men were not told the same thing, and I was unencumbered by children at the time. When purchasing a drain for a sink I asked where a certain product was and was given some lecture on the proper way to install it though men were able to just ask where an item was and be pointed in the right direction with out the lecture. It is not that I resent my role as a mother, wife and homeowner that irks me, I actually don’t mind the laundry, dishes, cooking and I love caring for my children myself (which is the main reason that I got out) it is that I am expected to fall back into the same old female roles and woman and men are shocked that I fix my own air conditioner, garbage disposal, lawnmower, change my own oil and mow my own lawn. People see my husband as less of a man if I fill “male” roles or like “male” hobbies such as wood working and so I must step back in order to save him from unfair ridicule. As civilians we are expected to fill the roll of our sex, but in the military it was about who could do the job better, faster or had more time on their hands now it is about who has what body part. When I speak of “our time in the military”, people assume that I am talking about my time spent as a military wife and ask what branch my husband was in and where my husband was stationed etc. I am proud of having been a military wife, but I would like credit for my own military service, thank you very much! And I would like recognition as a civilian that yes, I am capable of lifting a toilet by myself and unclogging a drain.
Carolyn Pearson on May 12 2016 at 01:18PM
I felt all those and more. It has been 10 years in Nov since I retired for good, almost 20 since coming off active duty, and transitioning to civilian life was a big slap in the face. Having to take care of everything my self instead of relying on the military was a real eye opener. I feel the pain for those now coming into the civilian sector. It took a long time to adjust. All those suggestions posted are good ones, wish someone had told me 20 years ago….. I have done fine through sheer determination, and have worked for the USDA 18 years. Still miss the military and the comradery that goes along w/ it….??????❤️❤️❤️❤️
Jacqueline on May 12 2016 at 12:55PM
You got it right! These 5 items are what keep me sane after 33 years of service.
Jan Martin on May 12 2016 at 09:53AM
What I missed when I got out and still do is the sense of community I had in the military. It came from coworkers, church groups and just the same friendly faces you saw every day. I have found a little of this in civilian life but it isn’t the same.
Leckey Harrison on May 12 2016 at 09:13AM
I speak, not as one who served, but one who serves those that did. I look at that list, and what I see are those parts of life that chronic stress destroy. Add trauma to that, it’s even worse. Chronic stress in itself will do that, and over time, chronic stress traumatizes any human. Lack of purpose, connection, and pleasure.
I hesitated briefly to share this, as I am a man. However, I see this destruction in the vets I serve and our other clients. According to Dr. Judith Herman, it isn’t men at war, or even emergency responders, but women in civilian life with the most common post traumatic (stress) disorders. Imagine then women in civilian life who also served.
If anyone wants more info, I’d love to have that discussion. Admin has the e-mail.
Leckey Harrison
FF/EMT (Ret)
traumatologist, communitarian
Ellen on May 12 2016 at 08:35AM
I truly enjoyed reading your take on life after the military. Though it’s been many many years since my ets, I found it very informative and encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to write.
Danitza Hamilton on May 12 2016 at 08:26AM
I served from 1971 -1984 and I sure could have used this info when I got out. I was so lost all I knew was the military I didn’t even know how to dress without my uniforms (still don’t). I missed the special connection I felt to my fellow sailors and if it wasn’t for my hubby a two boys I don’t think I could have lived with all the sudden changes. Stay connected, volunteer, and take care of yourself physically and mentally.
Shirley Smith on May 12 2016 at 08:11AM
Great easy-to-read and understand. After retiring from the Army with 30 years of experience, I thought I was "all set’ to handle civilian life —wrong! I went through all the emotions you mentioned.
Just a tip for those, like me, who had (and still have) a strong bond with the military, try finding time to volunteer in any capacity within the military family.
Brenda C. Brooks on May 12 2016 at 06:12AM
Very good article .
Christina on May 12 2016 at 01:23AM
Well said and so true – I think all five are definitely how I feel and it’s been almost 10 years since I’ve left the military. Thanks for the article!
Krista Shultz on May 11 2016 at 11:26PM
Excellent article! Very simple to understand, and it makes such perfect sense. Thanks for writing it!
Jean Foutz on May 11 2016 at 10:34PM
I can certainly relate, even after being out for 19 years already.
Erin on May 11 2016 at 10:10PM
Thanks this article sounds exactly like me and pretty much every thought I have had.. I really need to work on these 5 things .