5 Reasons Why You're Not Happy After the Military May 24 2017 28 Comments

What I really don’t like about the civilian world is how it’s all about money money money. That seems to be the dominant language people speak. And it has done more harm than good in our society.

I do not think its possible to love me. I will never expect anyone to love me, after everything I done. I tried several times to end. I wish somebody would show me otherwise, but I am a waste of mass now that there is no war!

Accurate. I separated right before covid -19. I had all my ducks in order, but covid post poned it all. I’m sad. When I left a huge chunk of me also left. I was on schedule to get my next job going but everything closed for two months. Instead of finding employment in March I just survived off my savings until now, and I finally got a job I don’t start until January but I am a certified real estate broker now. I’m restless, coulda been a contractor with the military and do my job as a civilian but I’d be putting myself right back into the traditional employee hierarchy, I’m self employed now! No one can make me wake up 4am for preflights!

I truly agree with all the comments! I retired after 20 years of service and afterwards I felt like I didn’t leave everything on the table. it’s almost like once I really started to understand what the Military was trying to teach me I was retiring! So as I am tying this I am typing this I am thinking I have been lonely even though, I have my family around that truly love me!

Still it doesn’t change my loneliness it seems to make it worse! I still feel like I change the world! I could go on and on!! No one can understand not even my wife!!

thank you. this article sums up exactly how i’m feeling right now. i was wondering if this was a normal feeling, since I expected things to just go back to pre-military life style (as you pointed out above). thank you for the reassurance and tips!

Yes, thank you for validating in 5 steps why I miss the military. I have struggled through adjusting for a long, long time, and actually still do. “Thinking and functioning different” pretty much sums it up.

This hits the nail on the head! I am a behavioral health provider and these are all the fears my Soldiers experienced or were scared to experience. In the “civilian” world they are 1% of the population. They think different, function different, and a lot of these differences aren’t conducive for the civilian sector. We need more programs and articles such as this one to help with reintegration. Let’s stop our Soldiers from feeling lost and damn sure decrease the suicide statistics!!!

This article literally confirms all the reasons I’m scared to ETS.

Hi Nadine…from Pete Tannen (friend of Gene’s and Mike’s, member of FL VETS, and Pres. of ACLU here:

Your article is spot on — and you should really get hold of a great new book that goes even further (if you haven’t already read it): “TRIBE” by Sebastian Junger. In fact, every vet should read it. Seriously.

Cordially,

Pete Tannen

Excellent and so true. I teach JROTC so I still have some sense of purpose, but I miss the Marine Corps every day.

what a great article!even though i have never served, i am married to a man that retired out, and have several friends that have and do currently serve…. this article helps me to understand a little more what he is going through, of course if you ask him, he is fine…lol. you have made some great points and offered some even better solutions. most articles only tell you what is wrong. thank you for also supplying a direction to go. look forward to reading your next “blog”!!!! keep up the good work that you are doing for all Vets!

Wow you were so spot on about everything
I have been out since 2004
I miss it every single day wish I never left
I am working on some of the key points
Thinking a counselor will help
Thank you truly for this post

Let me put a retired (male) military member’s perspective on this. Simply put, I think that all of this is what we all have felt leaving the military. I spent nearly 25-years in the service. One of the biggest losses I noted for myself and tallking to other veterans (both male or female) is that we seem to have lost a sense of purpose and a mission. In the corporate world, people do not have people’s backs in the civilian world (except in some professions). I now teach college courses and many times, they are HR or managment related. I tell both traditional and non-traditional students that their number one job is not manage numbers or make money, but to manage their number one asset, human capital. The rest will fall into place. I get looked at as if I were from another planet. We are a unique breed of cat so to speak, whether one saw combat or sat in the rear with the gear. We are a band of brothers and sisters. This is the bond we have that the civilian world does not nor do they understand. (And I sometimes think they are hostile to this fact.) Now, the population is even more disconnected from the military and this adds even more discomfort. In the end, we all “stood a post” and no one can ever take that away from us. However, society is never going to acklowledge or truly accept us as one of “them” unless we totally throw away many of the core “things” that defines us. We won’t as those core “things” (good and bad) are “hardwired into our DNA” now. Perhaps, Jack Nicholson said it best in the movie, A Few Good Men, “I would prefer that you thank me and be on your way.” Maybe that is part of our issue, we continue to look for validation that what we did (or do) was not for waste. It wasn’t!! Ladies, you are every bit part of the team and don’t ever forget it.

I transitioned out at 10 years of military service totally unprepared but, received a reprieve and returned. The next 14 years I vowed to prepare myself. I finished my education, got my personal life on track, it had become a hot mess, and worked to stabilize my finances. At the same time of my retirement notice, my spouse, also active duty, received orders overseas. After discussing the way ahead, we realized, I wouldn’t have to work. Boy did that relieve the stress of retiring and having to find a job…that had become my biggest stresser of having to retire. So we made the move overseas and I got to spend time with my children and explore the life of a military wife. Fast forward two years I realized I could have a job bringing in real money to save and have the opportunity to use my well earned education and skills from the military. Eager to work, I found a job on base helping service members and their families with transition services. I felt like an expert and loved my job giving back to future veterans like myself. Here’s where I had difficulty…dealing with a civilian organization, embedded with the military mind you, who ran the organization poorly. I had not prepared, or maybe my expectations seemed high but, I’ve watched over 20 people quit the organization over the last 2 1/2 years because of bad supervision and management. The leaders in the organization do nothing but mandate training for supervisors. I sit back watching, unable to make changes and I find it utterly frustrating to watch. Granted, for me, this job became my first real professional job, ever. I have nothing to compare it too other than the time I spent in the military. I learned leadership and management techniques in the military, heck, I taught professional military education classes, supervised, and managed programs. My recommendation to veterans entering the civilian world do your research. Learn how civilian organizations operate and the culture they promote. Talk to other employees and ask how they would characterize the operation and culture of the company. If it doesn’t correlate to your values or expectations, then walk away or know if you take the job, you can’t guarantee your happiness. After 2 1/2 years I finally decided money isn’t everything and my happiness and health has become more important. I’ve decided to quit my job the end of next month and the decision did not come easily. I have struggled with my loyalty to my clients, my financial goals I set with my spouse, and the fact that I have never “quit” anything. After reading your recommendations, I feel more positive about my decision. I won’t let money rule me, I can now take time to exercise to get back to a much better healthy status, I can spend the summer with my children, I can plan my days with what I want/need to do, and I can have time for my hobbies. Everything will work out fine!! Thank you!!

It was total culture shock for awhile for me. I miss my military family. The civvie world can’t compare. I do various volunteer efforts and it does make a positive impact on many others which does give a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Being a aviation mech is no cake walk in either world honestly back in the early 80’s. I sure loved working on those birds!! Lol Stay strong Ladies I salute you!

I can think of a number of reasons that I am not as happy out of the military but the main one seems to be that I am no longer treated as one of the guys. I am thought of by the civilian population as weak and incapable of performing basic household tasks. These tasks are considered to be male and above my ability to perform, or learn to perform. In the military I was taught that I was equal, capable of the same things that a man can do. When buying a toilet from Lowe’s I was told that I needed assistance to load it into my vehicle, though men were not told the same thing, and I was unencumbered by children at the time. When purchasing a drain for a sink I asked where a certain product was and was given some lecture on the proper way to install it though men were able to just ask where an item was and be pointed in the right direction with out the lecture. It is not that I resent my role as a mother, wife and homeowner that irks me, I actually don’t mind the laundry, dishes, cooking and I love caring for my children myself (which is the main reason that I got out) it is that I am expected to fall back into the same old female roles and woman and men are shocked that I fix my own air conditioner, garbage disposal, lawnmower, change my own oil and mow my own lawn. People see my husband as less of a man if I fill “male” roles or like “male” hobbies such as wood working and so I must step back in order to save him from unfair ridicule. As civilians we are expected to fill the roll of our sex, but in the military it was about who could do the job better, faster or had more time on their hands now it is about who has what body part. When I speak of “our time in the military”, people assume that I am talking about my time spent as a military wife and ask what branch my husband was in and where my husband was stationed etc. I am proud of having been a military wife, but I would like credit for my own military service, thank you very much! And I would like recognition as a civilian that yes, I am capable of lifting a toilet by myself and unclogging a drain.

I felt all those and more. It has been 10 years in Nov since I retired for good, almost 20 since coming off active duty, and transitioning to civilian life was a big slap in the face. Having to take care of everything my self instead of relying on the military was a real eye opener. I feel the pain for those now coming into the civilian sector. It took a long time to adjust. All those suggestions posted are good ones, wish someone had told me 20 years ago….. I have done fine through sheer determination, and have worked for the USDA 18 years. Still miss the military and the comradery that goes along w/ it….??????❤️❤️❤️❤️

You got it right! These 5 items are what keep me sane after 33 years of service.

What I missed when I got out and still do is the sense of community I had in the military. It came from coworkers, church groups and just the same friendly faces you saw every day. I have found a little of this in civilian life but it isn’t the same.

I speak, not as one who served, but one who serves those that did. I look at that list, and what I see are those parts of life that chronic stress destroy. Add trauma to that, it’s even worse. Chronic stress in itself will do that, and over time, chronic stress traumatizes any human. Lack of purpose, connection, and pleasure.

I hesitated briefly to share this, as I am a man. However, I see this destruction in the vets I serve and our other clients. According to Dr. Judith Herman, it isn’t men at war, or even emergency responders, but women in civilian life with the most common post traumatic (stress) disorders. Imagine then women in civilian life who also served.

If anyone wants more info, I’d love to have that discussion. Admin has the e-mail.

Leckey Harrison
FF/EMT (Ret)
traumatologist, communitarian

I truly enjoyed reading your take on life after the military. Though it’s been many many years since my ets, I found it very informative and encouraging. Thank you for taking the time to write.

I served from 1971 -1984 and I sure could have used this info when I got out. I was so lost all I knew was the military I didn’t even know how to dress without my uniforms (still don’t). I missed the special connection I felt to my fellow sailors and if it wasn’t for my hubby a two boys I don’t think I could have lived with all the sudden changes. Stay connected, volunteer, and take care of yourself physically and mentally.

Great easy-to-read and understand. After retiring from the Army with 30 years of experience, I thought I was "all set’ to handle civilian life —wrong! I went through all the emotions you mentioned.
Just a tip for those, like me, who had (and still have) a strong bond with the military, try finding time to volunteer in any capacity within the military family.

Very good article .

Well said and so true – I think all five are definitely how I feel and it’s been almost 10 years since I’ve left the military. Thanks for the article!

Excellent article! Very simple to understand, and it makes such perfect sense. Thanks for writing it!

I can certainly relate, even after being out for 19 years already.

Thanks this article sounds exactly like me and pretty much every thought I have had.. I really need to work on these 5 things .